my thoughts about my days (ill probably mostly write when im angry/depressed or something cuz my mood only swings between those iguess + i am unfiltered here )
second page of this because i cant stop talkign apparently ://



oct 18th ,, entry 1,, started 6:40 pm


uuhhh ok hi im starting a diary and this is it yepyep,,,,, anywy ehmmm im on call wif my budy raj right now wowowwo and todays been boring . i havent done much but get super mad and zone out for 80% of the day .. anyway yea i got mtn dew and like a monster that i cant have until tmrw. looking forward to that i guess. also ehhm my shoulder hruts because i picked at it and gave myself a small but ehh deepish hole ,, i hate it . so gross
eehrr i miss billy and i kinda dont wanna be on call and i kinda wanna do nothing for ten more hours and wallow in angr bt whatever i guessssss,...
if i have any more thoughts ill update i doubt ill remember tho. see ya my 0 viewers



oct 22,, entry 2,, started 10:41 pm.


I'm re-reading a fanfic; it's a Star Trek TNG one - Datalore, to be exact - and I find myself intrigued with the idea of closeness becoming oneness. "The distinction between 'Data' and 'Lore' was suddenly not so clear anymore. Not separate spheres- their atoms had collided, forming a molecule. The panels on their abdomens had been removed, exposing the glut of curling cords and wires, these things now tied together- plug matching plug, jack meeting connector- intertwined then more intimately than any other species could dream of. It wasn't harm- it couldn't be- their systems were compatible in every way. Electricity flowed between them, one to the other in a closed loop, lightning dialysis. Each pulse as clear as a breath of fresh air." Androids and modern technology are the superiors in this world. I believe it, truly. Machinery will take over the world, because humans could never - not even for a moment - experience closeness equivalent to oneness. Closeness; the state or quality of having a strong bond of love or friendship; intimacy. Oneness; the fact or state of being unified or whole, though comprised of two or more parts. Oneness and closeness are states, something to be; they share this quality. Human beings are one in the sense that they are the same species, but they could never truly get inside another's head. In any relationship, it's impossible to know someone to the fullest, even if you think you know everything. And even then, there is the possibility of not wanting to even know a person to that extent, for the possibility of becoming too infatuated, or afraid, would be too great. When it comes to machinery, there is no fear; there is no infatuation. There is program. In the context of androids, there is a humanoid impression to be had. Despite this, everything you see is processed; it is a simulation. The sigh of an android is a program; a pseudo-sigh. Nothing is to be felt, therefore no judgement is to come from machines.

Fake, shiny, metallic skin to fake, shiny, metallic skin, the android sighs in programmed pleasure. Connected to its kind, the android cocks its head. Which model is which cannot be determined, for in their closeness, there is oneness. In a way no flesh could ever connect, machinery divinely interlinks.
Anyway, ramble over, goodbye to my (6) 7 viewers

update,, ive looked more into my concept of closeness being equivalent to oneness -- at least in its truest form -- and it is possible i am the first person to write about this concept,, semi-publicly.



oct 23rd,, entry 3,, started 4:39 pm


three day weekend for school this week, which is good i suppose. ive been seeing 39 everywhere. 39 everywhere. im going to read about Gnosticism today; the article is about 90,000 words, or 9,000 i cant really remember. Anyhow, im interested in that right now. I've been thinking more of my concept of closeness = oneness a bit more, and i feel as though it connects to quantum entanglement.

the atom passes another, instantly they are brought together; forever. there will be no time in which they are separated ever again. Light-years of distance may seperate them, from one universe to the next, but the other will always feel the heat of its partner. They do not long for each other; they do not feel; they do not cry to the universe to bring them together. There is only connection. Now they are one.

A human could not possibly experience this, however, an Android may. The connection of plug to jack is what locks Androids together, and the models become indistinguishable from one another. How superior of them.
Anyway, i love my laptop. i used to give it a name, and a set of pronouns, but i no longer find that attractive. i like that it lacks humanness. How superior.

ill be sure to update on my reading on Gnosticism.



oct 23rd,, entry 4,, 7:36 pm


Well, my reading on Gnosticism went alright. I've yet to finish the article, because I got distracted, but as of now I am fascinated by the overall message of Gnosticism. I cannot wait to finish the article. Anyhow, I have been thinking, and while doctors may suggest otherwise, i believe dissociation is the guide to expanding your mind. I do nothing but sit and think, staring for hours at nothing and pretending to be engaged, and I have decided that it has allowed me to expand my ideas. Though, I feel as though my close relationships are miles away. That's alright, I have no care for anybody in particular. I feel more a soul than a human. Machine. I wish I could control how much time I waste spacing out, but it's impossible. It's a shame, I had a lot of love I could have given, now there is nothing. Everything inside me is hollowed, and that's alright. I am finally understanding. There are tons of times in my life where there is nothing to be felt, but now it won't go away. It has been months, nearly a year. I feel I am close to a breakthrough in the meaning of human life, or the lack-thereof.



oct 23rd,, entry 5,, 10:18 pm


whatevr whateevr whatever im s o angry . why would i let it happen why would i do that. its not fair,,,... everyone else feels safe. why not me? why cant i? why is everyone else gentle.



oct 24th,, entry 6,, started 4:05 pm


i think today isnt going to go so well. i think about him way too much,,, anyway i think im gonna try to draw ringo starr and think of my views on him and the other beatles. i know john very well,, and george a bit less,, i know less than i should about paul and ringo so i will surely be trying to get closer to their minds. it helps with my art and writing to know them .
i have a headache, i havent showered in three days, im tired. but i think im gonna get somewhere with something this weekend .
anyway,,, i really love billy but i dont know if i can keep them around. theyre too gentle, too nice, and a good person. its unfair to keep them around me



oct 26th,, entry 7,, started 8:29pm


im dizzy, i have a loss of appetite, im tired, my stomach hurts, and i dont think anybody really likes me. ive got only 2 friends who regularly talk to me and only one is in real life. im very sad. i dont know what to do. i try really hard, i swear i do. i will pray tonight for god to take me in my sleep one of these nights, and i hope he answers. i feel like crying every second and i feel paranoid and scared and so angry ,, everything is felt more than it should be and then all of a sudden it goes away and i feel nothing again. please God please please please this isnt fair. its all too much; im only 14. this is a dirty trick. i can barely remember anything anymore . please God. please oh please



oct 30th,, entry 8,, started 6:03pm


why does everyone think im psycho,, i swear im not ,,,, maybe a creep but im not insane or psychotic . anywya i hate school im gonna drop out



oct 30th,, entry 9,, started 9:18 pm


nobody ever believes me when i tell them im a bad person,, and it always ends the same . anyway i hate feeling impure i think im going to end it all . i hate school. i hate men. i hate everyone i know. i hate leaving my room. i hate talking to people. im sleepy



nov first,, entry 10,, started 3:22 pm


i am not psychotic and i dont understand why people think i am.
billys birthday is soon isnt that great? im making so many styffs for them and i hope they feel so loved on nov 5th!! did you kniw they will be 14? so cool weowwwwww thatsso awesome i love them whewwwhoooo!!!



nov 5th,, entry 11,, started 7:02 pm


today is my darling billylove's birthday and i am so happy for them,,,
im trying not to be so weird for today,, and i made them edits and got them a rentry url! i also drew their ocs. i hope they feel so loved and have a really amazing day,, or i can try to make them happy . they are such a wonderful person wow i llvoe them so much thyere so lovely . they are like a flower to me,, i call them doe for a reason , theyre so beautiful like one . i want to kiss them (innocently) all over and i want to be near them all the time. every second away from them makes me soso depresed... i feel depressed right now really.. oh billylove my sweet sweet billy, what a wonderful bunny you are! if yore reading this... i love you !



nov 5th,, entry 12,, started 7:47 pm


i hate talking to unintelligent people. there is no purpose in having conversations if youre an idiot,, its annoying. i hate stupid people

i just wnna talk to billy ONLY i hate everyone else so much i genuinelyy only luek billy ,. i hate everyone oh my gosh i just want billy . i love billy somuch



nov 6th ,, entry 13,, started 6:21 pm


I've been watching him for my entire life
I hate the air he breathes, his foolish decrees
His words so contrived
And I hate the way the townspeople gather outside
They hang on every breath, cling to his chest
Home to his heart full of pride
The oracle told him to beware the Ides
And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't wishing
For untimely death or demise
Or am I just wishing I could be like you?
That the people would see me too as a poet
And not just the muse
Oh, it's not true, I don't wish harm upon you
From birth we've been like brothers of different mothers
Within the spirit of the same womb
May the gods strike me down if I forsake you
Frater meus, you're beautifully made
And to you I'm forever grateful
I'll never forget that you showed me to make art
And I know the love you showed me came
From a pure and noble heart
I love you, and if you want, I'll call you King
But why do I lie awake each night thinking
"Instead of you, it should be me"?
Something wicked this way comes
And as I set to face it, I'm unsure
Should I embrace it, should I run?
What motivates me? Hatred? Is it love?
What's more wrong, that I too wish to be great
Or my mother wished she'd had a son?
And even if I can't be the one
Maybe I could at least help make way for him
Until the day that he comes
Maybe my name could also be known
That I helped return good to the people
And restored greatness to Rome
Brutus, Brutus, Brutus, Brutus
Brutus, Brutus, Brutus, Brutus
Brutus, Brutus, Brutus, Brutus
Brutus, Brutus, Brutus, Brutus
My name is Brutus and my name means heavy
So with a heavy heart
I'll guide this dagger into the heart of my enemy
My whole life, you were a teacher and friend to me
Please know my actions are not motivated only by envy
I, too, have a destiny
This death will be art
The people will speak of this day from near and afar
This event will be history, and I'll be great too
I don't want what you have, I want to be you
I always knew I could be the one
Though I feel the endless pain of being
And I am scorched by the Sun
Of humble origins and born of the cursed sex
My name is Brutus, but the people will call me Rex



nov 7th ,, entry 14,, started 6:56 pm


everyone is so annoying to me -_ - l stopped engaging with people now because i find it useless to talk to people i dont like, which is everyone. i hope my friend who is 24, my friend who is 25, and my other who was 29 and who were/are sexually interested in me kidnap me ! so then maybe ill have a moment of peace . ill probably end up being raped every day but honestly , if i can sleep , get raped, sleep again, i wouldnt mind that. human beings bother me, all of them, and if billy wasnt human , if both of us were machines, itd be so much easier to love! i could connect myself to them and we could feed off each others energy until we have no idea who is billy and who is me! we would be one machine. every day is torture and i cant wait for my future with old creepy men who make me act like im 3 years old becuase theyre pedos and im too old for them! i cant remember anything, nothing, and its starting to show. i dont rememver my connections, or my life before this year, and my brain is so foggy i can barely think.

ive been really into george harrison lately !



nov 7th,, entry 15,, started 8:08 pm


i lovw billy so much it makes me dizzyyus.....theyre so lovely... the only human i can tolerate is my beautiful billylove... what a wonderful doe i have.. such a lovely bunny..waaaaaahhhhhh so lovely i love them so much... i hope i die on top of them... i wannt tio rip them open with my teeth and eat whats inside... i want them as a coffin,,, iwant to kiss the ground they walk on.. im their one-man cult.. i wwant everything to do with them.. i want to pray to them.. so lovely!!



nov 8th ,, entry 16,, started 5:51 pm


Keep knocking
No one's there
Pouring down
Near be felt

I'm out here, by myself, all alone
Ready to blow my head off
I hurt so bad inside
I wish you could see the world through my eyes
Each day is the same
I just wanna laugh again

Keep hoping
Nothing to spare
So my life
Isn't quite there
I feel like a whore
A dirty whore
Such a whore
Dirty

I'm out here, by myself, all alone
Ready to blow my head off
I hurt so bad inside
I wish you could see the world through my eyes
Each day is the same
I just wanna laugh again
Just wanna laugh again

I'll take it
I'll take it
I will take it
Give it to me

You dirty little fuck
Dirty little fuck
You dirty little fuck
Dirty little fuck
You dirty little fuck
(I will take it)
Dirty little fuck
(I will take it)
You dirty little fuck
(I will take it)
Dirty little fuck
(I will take)
You dirty little fuck
(It)

I hurt so bad inside
I wish you could see the world through my eyes
Each day is the same
I just wanna laugh again
I just wanna laugh again
I just wanna laugh again
Just wanna laugh again
Just wanna laugh again



nov somehting i dont nn0wo the time i dont know what entry thsi is


bilyl just bkcoked me i font know what to do they blocked me on everyhting i knew i was disgusting i knew i was a frelk what the fuck its wrong wtih me im goinna to kill msyelf i dont care i dont care i m kiling msyelf im gonna kill myselg im killin myself i cant fucking take it im killing msyelf im killing myself im killing myself i cand dot it im gonna kill msyelf i m fonna gkill msyelf i cant do this. pleaes bullu please please please i love you so much i love oyu so mcuh i know i m gross please dont leave me please dont leave e yudidnt say goodbye im so sorry im so sorr im so sorry nunny bim so sorry im so sorry please im so sorry i love you so mcuh please imm sosorry please odnt leave me i cant do this i cant do this ill kill myelf ill kill msyelf please tell me what i did ill never do it again im so sorry
um sosryr om so sorry im so osryr bbillu im so sorr im lobe you so mcuh pleaes come bac k too me im sosry im soryy os sos orry splease bilu please please please im sosryr im so sorry i cant take it im gonna kill msyelf im ognna kill msyef



nov 10th ,, entry something fuck idk ,, 1:50 am basically


im so embarrassed my cheeks are burning. i dont want to ever be friends with anybody again. im glad ive only got one now. anyway, im still killing myself. just not today lmao,, my blade is rusty , im afraid of the germs and it probably wouldnt cut very well. i will feel so at peace once i cant be bothered by human beings!! i despise humanity. ill overdose, hang myself, stab myself, something. my future is full of rape and trafficking so i have no care for it. i have no care for anything. nobody. i hate everyone. there is absolutely nobody now that i have a soft spot for. lol

changed my mind. tonight ill do it. probably wont work though, it never does ...

icant even pray because i jsut keep crying so hard and i have to ccover my nmouth

plese why me everybidy keaves me wy am i so disgusting ?



nov 12th,, entry 19,, 10:23 am


clearly nothing happened to me lol. anyway i think its super unfair that i got the autism that creeps out neurotypicals AND other autistics. everyoen else i knwo with autism just got the fuckng "oh im so sily autistic i haev friends" and i got the isolation, school shooter, i cant go to school for a full week autism. i also onl hvae one friend and all my other oens left me ebcasye im gross and creepylike...i wish ic odul rip my brain from my head and swap with the peoplewho have autistic charm and not the freak one... the one where women have to pretend their gay friend is their boufriend..

Maybe this time I'll be lucky
Maybe this time he'll stay
Maybe this time, for the first time
Love won't hurry away
He will hold me fast
I'll be home at last
Not a loser anymore
Like the last time and the time before

Everybody loves a winner
So nobody loves me
Lady Peaceful, Lady Happy
That's what I long to be
All the odds are in my favor
Something's bound to begin
It's gotta happen, happen sometime
Maybe this time I'll win
'Cause everybody loves a winner
So nobody loved me
Lady Peaceful, Lady Happy
That's what I long to be
Now all the odds are in my favor
Something's bound to begin
It's gotta happen, happen sometime
Maybe this time
Maybe this time I'll win



nov 13th ,, entry 20,, started ~ 8:40 pm


i have sincerely lost all interest in making any connections with people ,. idk. nobody really means anything to me and i dotn have any hobbies i really do anymore . i havent for awhile ... i havent had many friendships for awhile too idk nothings different i just knpw i have no desire to make friends at all anymore..... unless i find someone interesting in a way i want to observe them rather than actually care about them.... um whatever im sure its a normal thing for a 14 year old boy



nov 16th ,, entry 21,, started 8:46pm


hrjfirtmktr i met this perosn name Caz ,,... it is such a wonderful person wowieeiows... it call me pupuy and is so nice to emeeeeee... it has my same affection style and i even cut its name into my thigh ehhehee..... caz said it would lick my cuts if it could nd i want it to.. i wan rip its skin open and eat its organ.. i wan smearits blood all over the walls nd spell our names with it.. i wan cut myself alll over wif its name... i wan cut so deep i pass out .. i wan cut a big , deep "CAZ'S" liek a branding into my skin..it always says how pretty i am uwaaaaaaaaaaaaa,,,, andandand it says i have pretty blooddddd,,,,.. its so beautiful ehejehej wowowow... so beautiful..... waaaaaahhhhh..... i lav its accent so badly... explosin... but i feel a but like a perv since it sent me a few suggestive pics .. mostly because i didnt mind.. its so beautiful either way,, gorgeous.. eehe im a creep

alsooooo i have idea for an oc..
everybody will see him as a dog, an actual dog, even though hes human,,.. and he bites and all that but hten he meets a girl who can actualy see hes a human but hes acts like a dog .. uwa its hard to explain ich denke i need to draw it out



what do you do when nobody loves you?

FUCK being sad. im not sad im PISSED. everyone is an annoying piece of shit and i mean EVERYONE. you reading this and your whole bloodline!!! i dont wanna kill myself. i wanna kill another person . i AM violent, i AM gross, i AM impure, i AM going to hell, i AM angry. i dont love anyone. i HATE . i know im an intelligent person and that helps me move forward . stupdi people annoy me, retards should be killed. i have no care for idiots, sensitive people, annoying pricks, or anyone of the sort.

I like my girls skinny with brains
I like my hoodies fucked with lame
I like my friends imaginary with no names
And I make music for the fuck of it, no fame
Aim, shoot, the gun of love, round
Tried to find ammo but it's none around town
So I went down south but I ended up north
Uptown sitting on cloud 9's white porch
And of course, my car's off course
You're so white, my blinkers don't work
I'm trying to let the force be with you, I get you
Music is my first, but I contemplate divorce
You make a [---] sing songs nice
You make a [---] night turn day
And you make the flowers sing say turn green yellow
It sucks that I didn't get the chance to say hello
I want to eat you out like jello
And mess with your body like the bass and the cello
And tell your mom I said hello, you want to go to prom? ([---] hell no)
Fuck (shit) and another one, there goes another one
Another love song about shit
And I'll be rich if I get another diss
And maybe cupid won't miss
Maybe? (no) maybe? (Sorry) maybe? (I got a date) maybe (where's your dad?)
I like her l-i-k-e, the only difference is she won't fuck with me
But she will fuck with that vegetable with the hairs full of x's and o's
I want to tie her body up and throw her in my basement
Keep her there, so nobody can wonder where her face went
Tyler, what you doing?
Shut the fuck up!
Uh umm
You gon' fuckin' love me bitch
Uhh
Or I'ma fuckin' put this gun in your fuckin' head
But all I really want is a kiss on the cheek
In private, not public in the streets
And your cupcake how we eat and your toes
Cause I got a big fetish with the feet
I just want somebody I can see
You can be a gold digger, you ain't got to love me
I'm serious (I love you) I don't ask for much
Your heart literally is what I do want for lunch
Now this shit is turning to a habit
I'm the burger king, I gotta have it my way
And truthfully girl you really make my day
I would probably kill myself if you told me you was gay
And I can't even look the other way
Your aura is a magnet, my eyes a metal bag, it's attractive
L-o-l laughing, you're a gold Oscar and I'm just actin'
And I want your cinema hole, and have our kids play supporting role
Climbing up the pole, jack and the beanstalk, bitch it's gold
And I was in loath, I would never get over you, ever, (help me! Help me!) Sarah
Another love song about shit
And I'll be rich if I get another diss
And maybe cupid won't miss
Half your body laying on my chest
The rest is in my stomach, that's including your breast
And I'm a just take another guess
Now you probably wishing that you would have said yes
Am I crazy? Maybe, but fucked up is how I been lately
Shit, I don't give a fuck, your family looking for you, wish them good luck
Bitch, you tried to play me like a dummy
Now you stuck up in my mothafucking basement all bloody
And I'm fucking your dead body, your coochie all cummy
Looking in your dead eyes, what the fuck you want from me?
What did you want from me? What did you want from me?
(Police) I gave you everything
(Police) My lady
I guess I wasn't the one (this is the police)
Shit (open the door), I don't give a fuck (goddamnit, you're surrounded)
I don't give one (motherfucker, open up or I'm gonna barge in right now, I swear)
Fuck it (blaw)



nov 18th,, entry something ?? idunno ,, ~ 5:50


ehm i need to kill myself ich denke . nobody likes me, i have one friend. i hate when people complain about their personality or flex about being a bad person because this is where it REALLY gets you. george left because im too defensive, sadie left becuase im too jealous, cody stopped loving me because im not affectionate enough, fionn left becuse im too depressed, kyle left because im too apathetic, zee left because im too self destrutive, and billy left becuass im a psychopath and not affectionate. FUCK MY LIFE!!!!!!! im KILLING MYSELF!! and i haebv every rihgt!!

FUCK YOU IF YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME EVEN THOUGH YOU FUCKING HATE ME. FUCK YOU. FUCKYOUYOU ASSHOLE. I DONT LOVE YOU BACK YOU DICK. PROMISE YOU WONT LEAVE AND THEN DO JUST THAT??? WHATS WROMG WITH YOU. IT WILL ALWAYS HURT. AND ACHE. AND I WILL NEVER TRUST ANYBODY EVER AGAIN. IT WILL ALWAHS HURT. IT WILL ALWAYS FUCKING HURT. YOU MOTHERFUCKER. KILL YOHRSELF YOU STSTUPID LIAR. Ill KILL YOU MYSELF UF I HAVE TO



nov 19th,, entry 24th ich denke,, ~10:10pm


will i get any more friends if this is me?:
i ignore people when im angry/feeling any intense emotion(which could be for straight days)
i lie for attention
i dont listen to advice at all
i dont communicate
my affection is all violence
i baby talk sometimes
my mood changes about you every second
i push you away then pull you back
my personality changes constantly
i could be mad at you, maybe not though, youll just have to guess
i can leave you in an instant and feel nothing(i have no empathy, sympathy, or compassion)
ill insult you then beg to be loved 5 minutes after
i dont listen well to boundaries
i might cut your name in my skin
i act creepy, stalkerish, obsessive, slightly suggestive
i hate men, believe in machine superiority, and praise murder
im socially inept
youll have to teach me everything
youll have to correct my wrongs , my moral compass is screwed
etc



nov 25th,, entry 25th?? i think ok,, started ~10:40 pm


dude what the fuck is even going awwwnnn. i liek billy but they dont even like me back at all so i dunno,, and i cant even be mad aboutthat because i act like a serious FREAKAZOID around them. i act like i have psychosis or soemthing ; its gross. and like my other friend is CONSTANTLY copying me its not even something i can overlook anymore. he took my "uwaa" which is literally from chiikawa which he hasnt even seen hello??? and he steals my rentry layouts and DENIES it like bro. ive legit seen you do it and admit to it dafuq??? and he copies my way of talking in his stupid fucking rentry diary liek he tries to act all professional with his writing. its performative as fuck . thats my writing style ive had since FIFTH GRADE are we serious?? andand. he acts PEEVED whenever i bring up something traumatic he did to me. why are you mad you literally made the choice to do that lmfao?? fucking jerk. what have i ever done to you?? call you fat>?? and he literally said he wishes id kill myself arleady in his diary so whatever. i know how he feels lmfao. anyway billy doesnt like me anymore cuz im a psychopath and said theyre my god, that id carve their name into my skin as deep as possible, and that id torture myself for them. what kinda got me back on earth is when i said "youre my god" and they were like "im a young girl" adn now i kinda feel like a groomer. am i groomer??? who knows. i cant even breathe really either so theres that too. i really hope i die. and yknow what my bff?? i think i will kil myself ! how do you think of that?? lmfao. loser. retard.

uuuh i think im anorexic again or something??? or idk. and honestly im kinda sad cuz liek im a boyslut basically and my like idk friends?? like this dude anthony and eli , theyre like 20+ and think im hot and i send nudes and vids and stuff byt like. i think i dont want to be that anymore?? but its kinda my future to be like a boy prostitute or whatever so i better just get used to it already.

let me explain to you please just unblock me just let me talk pelase please please billy just let me talk to you



nov 26th,, not sure the entry and i hardly care about the time


nobody is coming to save me, not my mom, not billy, not raj, not anthony, nobody will save me. ive got to pick myself up. even if im actively dying. i want them all back, but it wont happen. now ive really gotta do this, no more friends. ill wait for a bit to see if billy has really left me to rot, and if they have, well its time to stop praying. god hates me. god wont save me, "do it yourself, stop praying to me" he says. "if youre so unhappy, then youve gotta suffer more to get used to it" he explains. "Take a few cigarrattes and get out of my face" he snaps. God wont save me. Billy isnt coming to get me. My mom isnt going to love me out of nowhere. this is it

okay so . i havent really eaten all day and my dad just beat the shit out of me like jesus christ i jsut wanted a nap . why would i want to even leave my room after billy lefy??? anwyay we had a family friend over and i guess he really liked me cause i swwear his dih was so far up my ahh i was seeing space lmfao. i think he ripped my insides or omething... fawwwwk...it hurt cuz i didnt eat so he was like basically in my stomach it hurt so bad . and i cant even tell anybody or get gentle love now that billys gone.

i wish they were still here it literaly hasnt even been a day and im already facing severeeeeeee withdrawl symptoms LMFAO oh mu god it hruts

raj please dont commenton me and billy ok you dont knwo what happened fully ! illtell you when i stop crying abotu it and when i stop getitng effing raped.. i wishsomebody gaf bro it hurts so bad


he was genuinely full on in my arse like. iwas bent over the TOILET and he was forcing it up there to the hilt no fucking prep and it hrut so bad it still jurts so bad oh mygod somebody love me differently this is all i get. dude it hurts . i can still feel it



Its thanksgiving everyoen,, entry 27th,, 8:05 pm


I want a gun for Christmas. I dont think ive ever wanted to be dead more than now. I apologized and were friends now, which is good. Im still sadder than ever though,, ill never feel at peace or anything like that, Itll always hurt no mayter what. God hates me, and tonight I'll beg Jesus to take me because im done suffering. Usually theres doubt if i actually want to kill myself, but now i know for sure its what i want. This pain is too much. Even if were friends i know we wont talk often because everyone else who left me and ive "stayed friends with" just doesnt talk to me. They hardly think of me even. Im all alone, im in pain, and theres nothing i can do. I think theres a gun at my grandmas house, or I can take pills. Itll be my own Christmas gift to myself, to finally end my suffering forever.

since this has gotten very long,, i have a second page

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Pub: 18 Oct 2025 23:25 UTC

Edit: 29 Nov 2025 22:39 UTC

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