my thoughts about my days (ill probably mostly write when im angry/depressed or something cuz my mood only swings between those iguess. or happy.lbut thats only when im in the prescence of my billy,, + i am unfiltered here )



oct 18th ,, entry 1,, started 6:40 pm


uuhhh ok hi im starting a diary and this is it yepyep,,,,, anywy ehmmm im on call wif my budy raj right now wowowwo and todays been boring . i havent done much but get super mad and zone out for 80% of the day .. anyway yea i got mtn dew and like a monster that i cant have until tmrw. looking forward to that i guess. also ehhm my shoulder hruts because i picked at it and gave myself a small but ehh deepish hole ,, i hate it . so gross
eehrr i miss billy and i kinda dont wanna be on call and i kinda wanna do nothing for ten more hours and wallow in angr bt whatever i guessssss,...
if i have any more thoughts ill update i doubt ill remember tho. see ya my 0 viewers



oct 22,, entry 2,, started 10:41 pm.


I'm re-reading a fanfic; it's a Star Trek TNG one - Datalore, to be exact - and I find myself intrigued with the idea of closeness becoming oneness. "The distinction between 'Data' and 'Lore' was suddenly not so clear anymore. Not separate spheres- their atoms had collided, forming a molecule. The panels on their abdomens had been removed, exposing the glut of curling cords and wires, these things now tied together- plug matching plug, jack meeting connector- intertwined then more intimately than any other species could dream of. It wasn't harm- it couldn't be- their systems were compatible in every way. Electricity flowed between them, one to the other in a closed loop, lightning dialysis. Each pulse as clear as a breath of fresh air." Androids and modern technology are the superiors in this world. I believe it, truly. Machinery will take over the world, because humans could never - not even for a moment - experience closeness equivalent to oneness. Closeness; the state or quality of having a strong bond of love or friendship; intimacy. Oneness; the fact or state of being unified or whole, though comprised of two or more parts. Oneness and closeness are states, something to be; they share this quality. Human beings are one in the sense that they are the same species, but they could never truly get inside another's head. In any relationship, it's impossible to know someone to the fullest, even if you think you know everything. And even then, there is the possibility of not wanting to even know a person to that extent, for the possibility of becoming too infatuated, or afraid, would be too great. When it comes to machinery, there is no fear; there is no infatuation. There is program. In the context of androids, there is a humanoid impression to be had. Despite this, everything you see is processed; it is a simulation. The sigh of an android is a program; a pseudo-sigh. Nothing is to be felt, therefore no judgement is to come from machines.

Fake, shiny, metallic skin to fake, shiny, metallic skin, the android sighs in programmed pleasure. Connected to its kind, the android cocks its head. Which model is which cannot be determined, for in their closeness, there is oneness. In a way no flesh could ever connect, machinery divinely interlinks.
Anyway, ramble over, goodbye to my (6) 7 viewers

update,, ive looked more into my concept of closeness being equivalent to oneness -- at least in its truest form -- and it is possible i am the first person to write about this concept,, semi-publicly.



oct 23rd,, entry 3,, started 4:39 pm


three day weekend for school this week, which is good i suppose. ive been seeing 39 everywhere. 39 everywhere. im going to read about Gnosticism today; the article is about 90,000 words, or 9,000 i cant really remember. Anyhow, im interested in that right now. I've been thinking more of my concept of closeness = oneness a bit more, and i feel as though it connects to quantum entanglement.

the atom passes another, instantly they are brought together; forever. there will be no time in which they are separated ever again. Light-years of distance may seperate them, from one universe to the next, but the other will always feel the heat of its partner. They do not long for each other; they do not feel; they do not cry to the universe to bring them together. There is only connection. Now they are one.

A human could not possibly experience this, however, an Android may. The connection of plug to jack is what locks Androids together, and the models become indistinguishable from one another. How superior of them.
Anyway, i love my laptop. i used to give it a name, and a set of pronouns, but i no longer find that attractive. i like that it lacks humanness. How superior.

ill be sure to update on my reading on Gnosticism.



oct 23rd,, entry 4,, 7:36 pm


Well, my reading on Gnosticism went alright. I've yet to finish the article, because I got distracted, but as of now I am fascinated by the overall message of Gnosticism. I cannot wait to finish the article. Anyhow, I have been thinking, and while doctors may suggest otherwise, i believe dissociation is the guide to expanding your mind. I do nothing but sit and think, staring for hours at nothing and pretending to be engaged, and I have decided that it has allowed me to expand my ideas. Though, I feel as though my close relationships are miles away. That's alright, I have no care for anybody in particular. I feel more a soul than a human. Machine. I wish I could control how much time I waste spacing out, but it's impossible. It's a shame, I had a lot of love I could have given, now there is nothing. Everything inside me is hollowed, and that's alright. I am finally understanding. There are tons of times in my life where there is nothing to be felt, but now it won't go away. It has been months, nearly a year. I feel I am close to a breakthrough in the meaning of human life, or the lack-thereof.



oct 23rd,, entry 5,, 10:18 pm


whatevr whateevr whatever im s o angry . why would i let it happen why would i do that. its not fair,,,... everyone else feels safe. why not me? why cant i? why is everyone else gentle.



oct 24th,, entry 6,, started 4:05 pm


i think today isnt going to go so well. i think about him way too much,,, anyway i think im gonna try to draw ringo starr and think of my views on him and the other beatles. i know john very well,, and george a bit less,, i know less than i should about paul and ringo so i will surely be trying to get closer to their minds. it helps with my art and writing to know them .
i have a headache, i havent showered in three days, im tired. but i think im gonna get somewhere with something this weekend .
anyway,,, i really love billy but i dont know if i can keep them around. theyre too gentle, too nice, and a good person. its unfair to keep them around me



oct 26th,, entry 7,, started 8:29pm


im dizzy, i have a loss of appetite, im tired, my stomach hurts, and i dont think anybody really likes me. ive got only 2 friends who regularly talk to me and only one is in real life. im very sad. i dont know what to do. i try really hard, i swear i do. i will pray tonight for god to take me in my sleep one of these nights, and i hope he answers. i feel like crying every second and i feel paranoid and scared and so angry ,, everything is felt more than it should be and then all of a sudden it goes away and i feel nothing again. please God please please please this isnt fair. its all too much; im only 14. this is a dirty trick. i can barely remember anything anymore . please God. please oh please



oct 30th,, entry 8,, started 6:03pm


why does everyone think im psycho,, i swear im not ,,,, maybe a creep but im not insane or psychotic . anywya i hate school im gonna drop out



oct 30th,, entry 9,, started 9:18 pm


nobody ever believes me when i tell them im a bad person,, and it always ends the same . anyway i hate feeling impure i think im going to end it all . i hate school. i hate men. i hate everyone i know. i hate leaving my room. i hate talking to people. im sleepy



nov first,, entry 10,, started 3:22 pm


i am not psychotic and i dont understand why people think i am.
billys birthday is soon isnt that great? im making so many styffs for them and i hope they feel so loved on nov 5th!! did you kniw they will be 14? so cool weowwwwww thatsso awesome i love them whewwwhoooo!!!



nov 5th,, entry 11,, started 7:02 pm


today is my darling billylove's birthday and i am so happy for them,,,
im trying not to be so weird for today,, and i made them edits and got them a rentry url! i also drew their ocs. i hope they feel so loved and have a really amazing day,, or i can try to make them happy . they are such a wonderful person wow i llvoe them so much thyere so lovely . they are like a flower to me,, i call them doe for a reason , theyre so beautiful like one . i want to kiss them (innocently) all over and i want to be near them all the time. every second away from them makes me soso depresed... i feel depressed right now really.. oh billylove my sweet sweet billy, what a wonderful bunny you are! if yore reading this... i love you !



nov 5th,, entry 12,, started 7:47 pm


i hate talking to unintelligent people. there is no purpose in having conversations if youre an idiot,, its annoying. i hate stupid people

i just wnna talk to billy ONLY i hate everyone else so much i genuinelyy only luek billy ,. i hate everyone oh my gosh i just want billy . i love billy somuch



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Pub: 18 Oct 2025 23:25 UTC

Edit: 06 Nov 2025 01:00 UTC

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