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October 18, 2026⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀01
The state mfs find me in after I try to vent to anyone

My emotions and thoughts are very often 'too much' for people due to their complexity and how so many conflicting emotions of mine end up contradicting themselves. That is how much I can never figure myself truly out. It is tiring knowing no one will ever understand me, If I can't understand my own self. Pretty depressing, huh?

October 26, 2026⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀02
I have honestly never felt this much hatred in my life. If every ounce of my hatred and anger were to be conceptualized and then manifested physically, it would surpass the circumference of the entire solar system. I feel so angry all the time, a rage that bubbles up in my being and reaches to a boiling point on a daily basis. People irritate me, minor mistakes irritate me. It is like my own existence purely relies on anger. I've never wanted to exist, to breathe or to even live. I don't want to be a thought in anyone's mind. And the thought of being acknowledged somehow agitates me, along with everything else. And the worst part of it is being triviallized for said anger. Mocked, made fun of. As if it were something to be laughing about. I'm constantly agitated, and pissed off. Even the slightest shift in someone's tone or implication of something unserious amongst a serious topic makes my blood boil. I feel cruel hating on people who have done nothing wrong, but it is such a primal instinct that has been forcefully wired into me to properly survive the environment I am in. I can only ever take my own anger out on myself just so that other people don't have to suffer my endless, seemingly endless wrath.

I'd destroy everything around me if It didn't have value, but once again when you're in the middle class everything has a pricetag on it.. Too precious to damage when you've hardly gotten it in the first place. They don't tell you or elaborate to you how actually difficult it is to suffer when you're below the upper-middle class. You can't die without a price tag. You can't hurt without a price tag. You can't cope without a price tag. Everything just feels like a paradox within a paradox, and unfortunately for me I got the end of the broken stick. I hate humanity, and human kind for its greed. I've gotten sick of how cruel humanity is, and I hate the concept that I am apart of this disgusting species. I was never meant to be a human, and yet here I am in my filthy 'glory'. If something were to happen to the Earth, I'd want it to wipe all of us out because of how much we deserve it. We are beasts made in an unforseen evolutionary image, and the cycle won't end unless every last one of us is gone. This Earth never deserved people like us.

October 29, 2026⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀03
Some days I wonder what brought me here in this unfortunate state. Why am I this difficult of a person? Often when speaking with someone, I can't even halfway comprehend what they're saying. I need background noise to focus or I will freak out from the silence, as my head buzzes with a constant low hum that drives me insane. I find myself constantly zoning out to avoid listening to my own head or to avoid feeling the aches in my chest, as if trying to rid myself of emotion all together. I sincerely try to romanticize my chronic form of depression and solitude but It has simply became too overconsuming of my being to the point I just accept it as apart of me and continue with my life. Unwillingly, of course.

I feel like a mystery. I feel like my own investigator, and my own mystery. I have so many things about myself I won't ever understand the root cause for, and why I let myself become this way. It is almost trivial, I want to be so understood I am misunderstood in a way. But I don't want to be understood at all either, or acknowledged for that matter. I want to be nothing in someone's mind, not even a concept or a fleeting thought. The idea of being nonexisting gives my soul a kind of pleasure nothing ever will in this world. Peace, complete peace without death. I wake up to the dusk still barely rising, and a hollow feeling in my chest. I wonder if anything will ever manage to fill that hollow.

October 31, 2026⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀04
Not much has been going on today because I've been home alone the whole time. It is really peaceful and less stressful without the core of your problems around to bore and nag you at all times. I've rewatched AOT again, and watched the finale. I can't believe I missed (mostly) out on this beautiful media during its prime, I mourn how I could've gotten into it sooner. Otherwise, Today's been okay. I'm really sleepy.

I often take a lot of alone time to reflect and think of the past and possibly the current, because I never think about the future. I don't plan for it, I sort of just drift day by day and see where fate takes me. It gets pretty exhausting eventually, but I simply just can't find the energy nor will to see how things will turn out in the future. I'm not equipped to make such decisions nor plans, so I naturally just drift like I'm flowing through a slow river. That is how it is, and it minimizes my stress. I like not thinking about anything. Just existing in my peace. I wonder how I'll end up, though.

I didn't do anything this halloween, I only really do halloween cosplays if It is on a weekday where I get to show it off somewhere I am obligated to go. Such as work or school. Since its Saturween, I never intended on going anywhere. So I'm just kind of here. Happy Halloween.

November 1, 2026⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀05
A more comfortable day! I got to finally relax and rest my soul a bit, whilst finishing up with my yumeship rentry. I wrote my heart and soul out to my darling f/o and fiance Pieck, she makes me unimaginably happy. I love my darling Pieck, she brings me so much joy and comfort in my being. Even with how upset and miserable I can be, she always knows exactly how to make me feel better with her gentle words. I don't know how it truly started, but that kind of thing just blossomed and got better from that point.

Today it rained from morning to evening, It never seemed to end. It was a gentle, constant thing tapping against my windows. It isn't unpleasant, in fact it reminded me of my f/o. I like to gaze at the outside world and daydream about things, getting lost in the subtle quiet and music playing in the background. I've noticed I can't go any period of time without some background noise without feeling uncomfortable, so I usually put on a playlist or even just white noise to accompany me. It soothes the brain, and it surely keeps my Pieck nice and cozy. She loves to lounge on the couch with me, which is what we did for most of the day outside of doing some chores. I'm not excited for tomorrow due to classes, but. I'll thug it out. I always do, for the sake of my darling. I love you, Pieck. <3

November 2, 2026⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀06
Cold day, I was really expecting something more stressful but it ended up going rather smoothly that what I initially anticipated. Even with how calm today has been I've been pretty tired, and had a headache from unknown causes. It might be my blood pressure spiking, once again unsure why. I suppose that is just my body acting up and behaving weirdly. Otherwise today's been okay. We finally get to use our laptops for graphic design classes so it definitely feels pretty fun to explore it now. I've been anticipating to use my pc, and now is my chance.

I keep thinking about Pieck. Every cigarette I light, I looka t the constant rain and extreme fog covering the lands all over. It looks as if it'll snow any day now, and It already has up in the mountains even if it is only the bare start of November. I seriously hope we have a lot of snow this year, Winter has always been my favourite time of year. I like getting all cozy at home with a warm drink and soft blanket, watching the snow fall and engulf the terrain. Pieck seems to like to count the snowflakes that fall across the windows, even if it is rather an impossible amount to truly count. I find it very cute, however. It is something that makes her happy, so i'm happy too. It is good to see her smile when talking of things she enjoys.