yk somrtimes when i talk to people i feel useless af cuz when i talk or speak my mind im always either overriden or ppl just ignore what i say. it feels dehumanizing and its gotten so deep to the point that i became partially nonverbal a few yrs ago and my parents and family members question what tf im on about or why im so quiet when "i was normal just a few years ago" and that theyre sooo disappointed in me when the reason im like this is legitimately THEIR fault n not mine so i dont understand why theyre all so negative about it like my biological brothers bully me for just being myself like bro idgaf i dont want to see your ugly face 😐😐😐😐😐😐... yk how sometimes when u get paranoid u start hyperventilating or air hungriness takes over thats like my mood half the time now. i have to reply to peoples messages while hyperventilating and comfort people while i need comforting and i knpw thats like selfish af of me + they dont know im down butit just. im sorry for being like that. recently my friend had what he called a "suicide scare" and he went offline on all of his socials for 2 weeks and stopped attending school. he was feeling so ass because the person i broke up with messaged him some weird shit and that triggered him bad and its practically all my fault ykwim? like if i never dated that weirdo he wouldnt have to endure this bs cuz of me. well i guess i couldn't have kept on dating the person either cuz bro was toxic af that person got me and my said friend to cut ourselves and encouraged me to do some weird bullshit that i cant rlly walk off. People were acting reallynweird to me at the time too it could possibly be cuzni wasnt really in tune with reality at that point in time buuut idk. some ss got leaked of my friends talking behind my back to my ex friends recently and now im not sure what to do because im genuinely so so so os attached to them like that group has been together for almost 4 yrs and now theyre leaving me behind because im so "basic" and cuz im replacable like dude i understand im useless or wtv you want to think of me butHey. Heyyyy. Hey. atleast be fucking direct kike i dont give a flying fuck if you think bad aboutme i might aswell go do something else instead of talk to someone who wants me deadβ„’

the concept of death itself os such a wiiild topic to me because ive had four friends die to suicide so far and they were my closest friends so for the longest time i figured it was me (it is me but anyway) one of them suicided in dec last year n whatnot i justm felt so out of place cuz she was my friend since i was 7 and i turn 14 this year itjustnnnnnni think " why wldnt she resort to talking to me or someone else " but i remember that she actually DID talk to someone but that fuckign disgusting nastu ass encouraged her to do it and practically gave her the go sign and stuff. i think its pathetic of him to do that to her

one other thing people ignore the fact that as a kid i never rlly got actual good restriction of the internet so i wld be browsing through the internet and suddenly some stuff like porn wld show up and as a kid you dont understand what it rlly means so you either stare in horror or just??? idk ?? disassociate?? which ik if any of my frienfs saw this yheyd go "viktor this is rlly retarded shut the fuck up wym just dont use the internet" but when you were raised on the internet it is NOT that easy atall and when youre neurodivergent like i dont wanna blame this at my neurodivergency but itsjust harder. also as a kid you dont know the reality behind the matrix or the reality behind anything like how bad the internet is or how bad watching this cartoon is or this that because youre just a KID. And asa " gifted child " my parents would never ask me what im doing cuz theyd just assume im watching some shit like kurzgesagt or dr bionics (i would half the time but the other half id be searching for gore on some websites) oh speaking of gore the first ever video i saw on the internet was a man cutting his ballsacks 6year old viktor did NOT know how to react im telling you. so now i have an 'addiction' to gore or whatever the term for it is (my friend kuni says it's called gore fanatic buut idk) and its been going on for 5 ish years and i have a gore album on my phone that is 2k images and 300 vids and i stare at it when im bored.

I never rlly felt romantic attraction to anyone actually i mightve dated like two people but they never lasted a month or more.?? I figured itd be infatuation but im unsure of what I feel or felt at those times. sure i was happy but i was happy because I was dating someone and that stuff is seen as positive in the media for some reason so in my head id think that its supposed to make me happier so it would.. like a placebo effect.. speaking of topics like that i rlly love neurology and its stupid but im really really into neurology and insectology i read a 7k book about neurology thrice and my friend nathan said "viktor youre fucking insane read that shitty book again and I'm reporting you to a psych ward" but im planning on rereading it btw if anyone is interested in the pdf I have it its in my drive rn ill link it here later to anyone who needs

anyway yeah i really enjoy neurology and insectology its one of the only things that make me feel happy and stuff.. one of the other stuff that make me happy is snow and my friends like im not gay dw but theyre all justsoo sweet to me and i wonder if one day I could have a picnic with them. which is stupid likeViktor youre like 14 grow up already stop acting like a kid but the problem is i never really had a childhood anyway so idk what to respond with when my parents say that to any of my actions. especially my mother since my dad travels to saudi for work and hes there 11 months a year n he barely visits us here but he always shushes me like my opinions never matter which yea ok sorry i have a working brain speaking of brains idk if its legal anymore but when i grow up i am DEFINITELY going to attempt getting a lobotomy. If i cant handle even looking at myself in the right way (sorry dysphoria) how am i to handle being 30 uears old unmarried no purpose in living no bitches no father figure no chad mentality noOk u get it

sooo ya ignore this please i know none of my friends would. listen to this anyway. so i just thought i would talk to the void again
https://rentry.co/vent3
https://rentry.co/vent4

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Pub: 28 Apr 2023 02:33 UTC
Edit: 28 Apr 2023 03:03 UTC
Views: 78