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Im Going To Heaven With Or Without You (The Forest Fire) - the pAper chAse

❝ Good luck, Godspeed, God damn you all,
...God damn you all, God damn you all, God damn you all, God damn you all. ❞ Purpose
"This is my 'bad idea', but I've also mentioned I don't exactly enjoy erasing everything I've written, so this is a mix of that."

"Basically, this is an archive of old writings that were either originally on the Lovemail or the Diary. Truth be told, this took a lot of digging in my .txt files to find some of these since I have erased so much, but nothing is ever truly erased. I back everything up within my files, or elsewhere."

"I want this to coincide with the Diary in a way, but also to serve as closure. But also in case these memories want to be kept around, even if not everyone here deserves it."

(Wanna go home? Click me!) [Table of Contents]
Jump to Diary Archive... Jump to Lovemail Archive...

Diary Archive

ENTRY 90: DECEMBER 25, 2025

date of archival: july 6th, 2026 NOTE: MOST OF WHAT IS WRITTEN HERE DOES NOT STAND. THIS IS ONLY FOR ARCHIVAL PURPOSES. SCROLL TO BOTTOM OF ENTRY FOR REMOVAL REASONING. merry christmas, im still standing. i cant believe 2025 is almost over, and that im still alive. after everything that happened, with how much i fucking sob when i look back, the pain i still hold near and dear to my heart; the flaws that still exist... im making it. im still alive. i dont care if i have potentially delusional hope, i am a selfless person with a heart of gold; and i will push limits even when they bend me into someone elses will. thank you all for your kind words, and endless support. thank you all for being there for me when i need you most, thank you all for just. being my friends... and fuck those who ruined it all.

the start of the year was wonderful, and everything felt wonderful until it felt like it started to decline by late august because a few bad apples added onto pre-existing stress during an already dire situation. but, thats a rant for another time now that i have all the info... september, is when the true decline hit and i hit my lowest; and i dont think ive ever truly recovered. ive just learned to repress... and thats okay. its just as if 2021 and 2024 had a baby. but with more good memories that outway the bad and worthless. even if most of them were earlier in the year, i still have powerful feelings, hope, and desire. with all the friends ive kept and made along the way, i feel like im at my strongest despite also still being at a very low point of my life. i can still be thankful and appreciative for everything.

anyways, christmas is very gifty, is it not? so... why dont i gift my heart.

thank you to my wonderful boyfriend, anaf... i cant believe its been a year, through all of the good and the bad... i still have you by my side, and im thankful for it. i dont care what happens, i will always be by your side, no matter what. you are the most important person to me, and i love you to death. no matter what happens or whats happened in the past, i hold you dearly to my heart. i want to ease all of your pain, no matter the outcome. you are the most precious to me, and you always will be; no matter your fear. i want to prove that i can be something. i want to be the best. i love you, and im thankful that i even met you, and get such a chance... i will always stand my ground, i will always be a person you can count on, and i will do my best to hold myself accountable; too. i dont want to ever lose something like this, someone like you.. no matter what we are or where we end up, i will always cherish and appreciate you... i love you, ana.

thank you to my best friend, ria... thank you for being there for me when times get rough, even if it took awhile for you to get close to me, even if things were rough at points; i cherish you for all you do for me. i cherish how youre there for me when i need you the most, a shoulder to cry on. someone i know i can count on, someone with energy i could only dream of. you bring life to the conversation, and make it fun, and i enjoy your presence. i enjoy how you check in on me when you can tell somethings up. youre a wonderful friend, and i wouldnt have it any other way.

thank you to my dearest friend, cor... even if it hasnt been long, i consider you close, youre easy to open up to and bring a joy that i cant describe; i know i can trust you and just. be me, around you, and it makes me feel safe. the energy you give sparks the area around you, and i enjoy the time i spend with you. youre fun to talk to, and i cant wait to see what the future brings.

thank you to my precious friend, jasmine... i love your crazy stories and crazy lifestyle, and i know i can count on you for anything. you bring a sense of joy or humor to those around you, and i enjoy everytime you pop in. you lighten up the mood and are just down to earth and relatable; and i enjoy your presence, i enjoy yapping you to sleep. even if ive only know you since april, its been a blessing. youre a sweetheart, as honest as you can be; and im glad to consider you a friend.

thank you to my longest friend, marina... i cant believe its been seven years, and soon to be eight since we met and became friends. despite the very massive hiccups weve had, you havent fully ever left, and you want to improve and learn from your mistakes and... i trust you. i trust you to do that, and i wont cut you off even if you think i should. i want to see you improve, i want to be by your side, i want you around. and i will continue to be blunt and supportive. you will always be dear to me, no matter what. i love you like a sister, mari.

thank you to my most supportive friend, kenny... its been six years since we met, and even if it took a bit to get close, im still incredibly thankful for last year and all the continued support into this year; youre someone i know i can count on. the advice, paragraphs of support when im at my lowest... the humor to help with the situation, its something i cherish in ways i dont even know how to fully explain. youre a wonderful friend to have, and im glad i can be there when you need me, too.

thank you to my friend, esseth... it hasnt been long, but i already have no regrets. starting off with just little chats as you headed to your classes, to a little group i have no regrets finding my place in. and, ive even introduced you to one of my favorite bands... starset... so now i have a starset buddy in this fandom, too, and you deserve it. and im glad to have you around, someone to rant to... i wont forget the night i ranted so long i ran my throat out dry... having something like that, someone to listen to my bullshit or chaos; its something worthwhile.

thank you to my friend, arcu... even if we dont talk a lot, especially because of the timezone gap (you are 14 hours ahead of me)... i have no regrets running into you, when i saw you and cor yapping in chat at 3 AM in the morning; i dont regret taking that shot to join in the converstation. i wouldnt have found myself where i am today, and i am very thankful for your support and where youve brought me even in such a very short amount of time.

thank you to my friend, ren... you may be the newest, but you are by far the funniest person and you bring light as well. i feel like i can be open with you and trust you with a lot of things, and already have a strong sense of relatbility... and im glad i could introduce you and ria to eachother; you two seem to get along really well and i cant wait to see what the future holds for all of us. im glad to have you around.

and to all those i didnt include or have already been directly contacted, thank you for everything. i love you all, i am thankful for you all and cherish you all so dearly. and i hope to have a better year next year, i hope to continue the fight for years to come, i hope to get stronger, i hope to improve. i want to be the best person i can be, the best version i can be; and i know one day i will get there. i just can never give up hope. im stronger than i really think i am. for as long as i live, from the bottom of my heart; i will hold those special to me dear for as long as time. i will never stop spouting about everyone to everyone i know, i will always cherish the little things; i will always aim to be the best i can be and try my best to make everyone feel included and loved.

and to those who i have failed or those who have failed me, the memories of you will never fade either. they will help me grow stronger as a person, a stepping stone to improve myself; to learn the true meaning of trust and failure... so in a morbid way, thank you too.

merry christmas and a happy new year, sincerely; anth.

~closure or reason~ [why it was removed: mentioned too many shitty people and those whom i do not trust anymore or am just not friends with, literally the only people still of importance here are cor; my girlfriend... and kenny; my best friend. another flaw with this entry is the fact that i DID NOT include one of my other best friends because of my abusive ex boyfriend and how i practically had to keep that friendship a secret or else my relationship would be in jeopardy. even if by december, when this entry was written, it was supposedly 'okay' to bring up, i just did not want to risk it. the entry itself does still appear on the diary, but it is written over with a reasoning as to why i blocked it; but its a bit different than what im putting here... albeit all the same. if you wanna read that reasoning, jump to the remains of that entry by clicking → here ←]

Lovemail Archive

[Table of Contents]
Jasmine . . . Zak . . . Marina . . . 404 . . . Clarity . . . Anaf . . . Ria . . . Iris . . .

To: Jasmine

date of archival: july 6th, 2026 restorable: scroll to bottom for removal reasoning (Originally written: September 23rd, 2025; the day the lovemail was brought back.) Jas, I remember at first when you were first brought to the group, I was honestly rather skeptical at first. I wasn't really sure what to think of you, given the past with who was before you, but over time I realized just how wonderful you are. I think by July is when I grew fond of you and started to consider you a very close friend, and through everything that's happened in recent times (August and September), I consider you one of my closest; too. I'll never forget how fast you came in when you heard what happened, I'll never forget your support. I cherish it. It's especially fun during the night when I do nothing but yap your ear off until you fall asleep, I think it's funny, and it also helps me clear my mind. I'm happy to have something like that. Also, I think I should listen to your gut from now on... every time you've seen someone as a red flag you've been right; they've either destroyed me or someone else.

~closure or reason~ [why it was removed: lost trust, no bad feelings or anything dont worry. i dont hate you, i see you more as an acquaintance; as i unfortunately do that entire old group. after everything happened, i lost my trust entirely as everything came tumbling down. im sorry that i never did vocalize or communicate that; and if this ever gets seen... i guess heres your closure, you can reach out if you want but regardless im still nervous given everything. i hope its understandable. this feeling or closure goes for the entire old group, including people like Kareem who was actually planned to have his own writing once; i just never got to it and... now its seemingly too late, after everything. but again, no hard feelings. just lack of trust. but again, you can reach out at any time; i just may not be the same as i was way back when.]

To: Zak

date of archival: july 6th, 2026 restorable: scroll to bottom for removal reasoning (Originally written: February 27th, 2025) Star, another one of my best friends who I've known for about 4 years now, I believe. You met me when I was in a pretty dark place, and I was seeking out new people to cope with the loss of one of my friends in May of 2021, distracting myself with fandom. You're someone really fun to talk to and to be around, and incredibly creative and kind. Fun to talk about oc's and fandom with, even if we don't share many fandoms it's still fun whenever you talk about your current interests or just whatever is on your mind. And, you're a great support too; you were there for me when I thought I lost everything in 2024. You are probably one of my friends with the biggest timezone gap, which is kind of funny to deal with too because of our different schedules. It's just fun all around, in a way, and I'm glad to call you a friend.

~closure or reason~ [why it was removed: honest to god, i dont remember. we dont really talk anymore, and i think with everything that went on during 2025 you got removed because of one of my many many spirals given everything going on with my abusive ex boyfriend that i made you meet, but, again, no hard feelings and i still see you as a friend its just that things are a mess lately, and my trust is the lowest it has ever been. you can reach out any time.]

To: Marina

date of archival: july 6th, 2026 NOTE: NOTHING WRITTEN HERE STILL STANDS. THIS IS ONLY FOR ARCHIVAL PURPOSES. SCROLL TO BOTTOM OF ENTRY FOR REMOVAL REASONING. (Originally written: February 27th, 2025) Mari, my precious best friend for... 7 years now? I cherish all the time I spend with you, and I still remember even some of our oldest memories, everything from back in 2018 to now, both the good and bad; I'm glad we've had such experiences and have learned and grown from them together, no matter how messy it may have been. I'm glad I met you, I'm glad I always have you to turn to... even if it took me awhile to truly build that trust to what it is now, I come to you when I feel lost, and you always manage to put a smile on my face with your humor and just... kindness. You're so innocent and kind, so fun and wonderful to be around. Even if things almost shattered a few years ago, I forgive you, and I trust you. I think you are a wonderful, trustable, kind person with a heart too big for this world, bigger than mine. You're like a sister to me, and despite our fights, we stand strong, and I will always be there for you as you are for me. Even if in the past I wasn't always the kindest, I want to be the best I can be. Thank you for being there for me, and putting up with my errors, I am proud of you and proud to call you a friend. It's always wonderful to have someone I can share all my interests with, all my music with, just, everything. Someone I can count on, someone I always know I can trust and have fun with, I can't thank you enough, or put into words how much I cherish our friendship, despite everything.

(Added onto: April 15th, 2025) I am so goddamn lucky to have you to turn to when I need it most, as time passes the more our bond strengthens, and the more I feel like I can come to you about anything, I know I can trust you with anything and everything. No matter what it is, no matter how dark it is, no matter how scary or stressful it is, you always keep me in check and check in when you can tell I might need it, and I can't thank you enough, Mari. You are a blessing. Just having someone like you to listen, someone to lean on when I don't know where else to go — thank you. You are my failsafe, and I trust you.

~closure or reason~ [why it was removed: betrayal, a harsh, harsh betrayal. ive explained plenty of times on the diary and will continue to rant and rant. although if you wanna hear the truth instead of sucking on the tits of abuse, reach out. although, we will never be close again. and there will be no forgiveness. you really were a sister to me. but i guess, i wasnt a brother to you.]

To: 404

date of archival: july 6th, 2026 NOTE: NOTHING WRITTEN HERE STILL STANDS. THIS IS ONLY FOR ARCHIVAL PURPOSES. SCROLL TO BOTTOM OF ENTRY FOR REMOVAL REASONING. (Originally written: February 27th, 2025) 404, I know its only been a year now, but I still remember everything just like it was yesterday, fucking around on that stupid pixel game and or Discord; just small moments I can still remember. And even if months were ripped off of our friendship, I'm glad you reached out. I'm glad you gave me a chance, and let me explain my side. You and Clarity have always been people I've considered close even back when we first met, I knew I could trust you guys. I was just a lot more anxious and closed off back then, more scared of talking and such. In those months of silence, those months after everything had happened, I never saw you negatively, not that I can remember. I would remember the fond memories, and still hope that someday, maybe, we could be friends again, and I'm glad I kept that hope, I'm glad I get to be your friend again. And the time we've spent with our current little group, introducing you to Ana and Marina, its been so fun. I can't wait to see what the future holds, I can't wait to finally make the memories that I missed out on last year.

~closure or reason~ [why it was removed: you cut me off because you felt neglected, it was something with my expression, you didnt like the way i talked about my friends even though my friends mean a lot to me. you did not like my old groups antics. you continuously went to my abusive ex boyfriend causing him stress which he took out on me as i was taking space and time away from a different stressful situation going on, i was trying to process everything and take care of everything at my own pace. but you and your boyfriend grew impatient. not only that, but behind the scenes both you and your boyfriend were trying to paint me poorly to my (ex-)best friend. without me knowing. which made her grow more distant than she already was, and damaged trust.]

To: Clarity

date of archival: july 6th, 2026 NOTE: NOTHING WRITTEN HERE STILL STANDS. THIS IS ONLY FOR ARCHIVAL PURPOSES. SCROLL TO BOTTOM OF ENTRY FOR REMOVAL REASONING. (Originally written: February 27th, 2025) Clarity, I always considered you one of the closest people, and if I remember correctly you considered me quite close, too, so when everything happened... it shattered all of us. I did hold a grudge for awhile, and I know you did too, but I still remember despite that; I still did remember you fondly, too, and I missed that bond I had with you. I missed talking to you and confiding to you whenever I felt comfortable doing so, you were always so fun to stay up all night with and talk with about whatever, so when I lost that: it shattered me. I often would remember everything, all the positive memories I had with you before everything, so I didn't really exactly know how to cope with your words, or how to cope with the sudden loss of you and 404. I did take your words to heart, and I did everything I could to try and make amends with myself, to be a better person, I know what had happened was very out of line; but I do not fault you for anything, I forgive you and I know you had your heart in the right place. And I'm so happy I get to be your friend again, to regain that closeness, to have a bond. And, I'm so glad I got to introduce you to both Ana and Marina as well, its been such a wonderful experience. I cherish everything that's happened, even some of the bad because of the lessons it taught me, thank you for a second chance.

~closure or reason~ [why it was removed: you left alongside your boyfriend, read his and thats the explanation.]

To: Anafabula

date of archival: july 6th, 2026 NOTE: NOTHING WRITTEN HERE STILL STANDS. THIS IS ONLY FOR ARCHIVAL PURPOSES. SCROLL TO BOTTOM OF ENTRY FOR REMOVAL REASONING. (Originally written: February 27th, 2025) Ana, my precious, lovely boyfriend, that I cherish deeply and hold oh so dearly and close to my heart; where do I start? I knew you would be trustable from the moment I saw you, but I never expected any of this. But I wouldn't trade it for anything, it's scary to think how low I was when you and I first met, even if it wasn't much back then, I still admired you. I saw you as someone I would want to be friends with as time passed the more we slowly started to interact, and once you reached out and we directly started talking, it was wonderful, I couldn't wait for every little conversation, every little moment, even if I was too shy to even speak first at the start... I was always so honored, so excited when you'd talk. Just, having someone so relatable to talk to really helped me out a lot, and your advice even before any romantic feelings settled in, helped a lot, you were a wonderful friend — and you're an absolutely perfect boyfriend. I never expected you to become such an important part of my life, I never thought I'd be able to heal, to prove that I am a good person... but you, you helped with that, all your kind words and advice and love — all our similarities, seeing someone so similar to me it just, it helped me more than I can even describe. And every time I'm down, you're always there for me, you listen my woes, and pull me right back up. You aren't one to judge, and you're so understanding even despite knowing my absolute worst. With you, I feel alive, I feel stronger and more confident than I ever thought I could be, and I can't thank you enough for the chance you've given me, the strength you've helped me achieve. I can't truly put into words how much you mean to me, and how much I truly love you. I hope I can make you feel the same, too, I love you so much and I believe you deserve the world, we both do. You're a good person, you're so lovely to be around and talk to, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you...

(Added onto: April 15th, 2025) I love you so fucking much, I don't know if you even understand, and I hope it's not too immense. I worry about you a lot, and despite everything you are still my precious moonlight, the love of my life. I feel like you've taught me a lot, and even now you still do unknowingly in a sense. Making me stronger through every hardship, I feel like I can do anything and go through anything. I want to make us both stronger, I want to grow together, and I trust you with all of it. I want to give you my all, and I don't believe it'll go to waste. Despite all our ups and downs, I love you all the same, I utterly adore you. And I can be strong for both of us if and when I have to, keep myself and you in check when I have to, you are a wonderful experience, and I love you. I will not stop reminding you how much I love you and how much you mean to me, even now, and I know I'll always have your support, my evil little guardian angel, you deserve the world; I love you...

~closure or reason~ [why it was removed: my abusive ex boyfriend. you mistreated me more than i even realized. over time processing everything that you did to me, everything that i didnt know was wrong. i just cant believe id even felt this way for you, i cant believe i ever even gave you the time of day, i cant believe you ever meant anything to me. i cant believe i ever thought you were a good man, i cant believe i let you have so much control; just completely have your way. the amount of times youd try to split, how pushy you would get, how much youd dodge communication or try so desperately hard to avoid it. you neglected your own emotions and took on mine all at the same time stressing yourself out when you didnt even need to. ive gone on and on to those i cherish about the things youve done to me, and ive gone on and on in my diary too. and i will continue to process and write how i feel. you, were a terrible terrible partner. i know you supposedly tried your "best', but in the end you gave up and did more damage than anyone has ever done to me before. rot. in. hell.]

To: Ria

date of archival: july 6th, 2026 NOTE: NOTHING WRITTEN HERE STILL STANDS. THIS IS ONLY FOR ARCHIVAL PURPOSES. SCROLL TO BOTTOM OF ENTRY FOR REMOVAL REASONING. (Originally written: April 15th, 2025) Ria, I believe we first met in September of last year (2024), a mere 2 months after the other two crazies, and it was by the time I fell back into YTTD, me being the shy person I am I didn't really talk much at the start and we didn't really connect until this year (2025), but I consider you close regardless. You're really fun to hang around and utterly chaotic and fun to talk to. I love all the stupid events and calls, goofy message reactions and all that jazz, and I appreciate having you as a friend, someone I can talk to. I feel like you always lighten the mood with your energy and humor, and I admire that. I feel like you bring people together, too, it's such a wonderful thing.

(Added onto: June 15th, 2025) Everything I said before still stands true, and even stronger than before. You really do bring everyone together, and you are a fun chaotic personality to be around; and in a way I admire it. The events and such bringing us all together, it's genuinely the most fun I've had in years, even when it's stressful you always seem to lighten the mood in some way. Music talks, game talk, voice acting; all of it... I always look forward to it, not to mention your concern or awareness when something's off; you're a wonderful friend. One of my best friends, you've checked in when I seemed upset or quiet; it makes me feel like I finally found my place, like I belong. And I couldn't possibly be happier, as time progresses and the more lore I drop; you're one of my closest friends, too. You're very important to me, and I'm glad that I get to be your friend.

~closure or reason~ [why it was removed: the most vile cut off of my entire fucking life. utilizing the fact i was in a vulnerable state after a break up with my abusive ex boyfriend, as you were going to him with the idea of cutting me off behind the scenes without my knowledge the entire time. despicable and vile.]

To: Iris

date of archival: july 6th, 2026 NOTE: NOTHING WRITTEN HERE STILL STANDS. THIS IS ONLY FOR ARCHIVAL PURPOSES. SCROLL TO BOTTOM OF ENTRY FOR REMOVAL REASONING. (Originally written: April 15th, 2025) Iri, you are an incredibly fun person to be around, very down to earth, relatable and reasonable. A loyal, caring and protective friend and I consider you close. I enjoy all our little talks and every chance I get to be in a call with you, the energy you bring, the emotions you show, I admire it a lot honestly. And I'm glad to have you as a friend, I cherish the little conversations we have, and hope to have even more in the future. You and Dan are so crazy to be around, but that chaos, that presence pulled me out of a dark place that I was in when I met you both, and I won't ever forget it. I cherish all the memories and chaos, and hope to create more, whether it be through events or casual.
And no, I haven't forgotten about when you used to know me as just "The Starset guy", I cherish that too, as silly as it is, it means something to me. I also will never forget that bet in December that changed my life for the better. Thank you...

~closure or reason~ [why it was removed: simply put: i chose the right side and got cut off.]

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