dont forget im human,
im not alive for ur amusement


poem˚  lovemail˚  tape˚ explicit themes | nsfw toxic tw | lovesickness
+ extreme religious ideations


poems + writings
vents etc

01 . 11 . 24 " permission "

am i allowed to speak?

my cheeks are tear stained
i keep opening, refreshing, closing ....

am i allowed to speak?

are my words too often, too much?
type, send, delete ....
type, send, repeat ....

am i allowed to speak?

a question i could never really ask,
not out loud, but a thousand times in my mind

am i allowed to speak?

whats wrong? whats right?
.... do i risk asking?

am i allowed to speak?

if i pulled out my hair and cut my skin,
would you listen then?

am i allowed to speak?

if it wasnt me, if it was them,
would you listen then?

am i allowed to speak?

is my voice too much?
does it pierce your ears the way your
silence pierces my heart?

am i allowed to speak?

can i fill this void,
or is it better left empty?

am i allowed to speak?

i need to ask,
i need to beg,
please just tell me ....

am i allowed to speak?

01 . 11 . 24 " damned "

its cold and swirling
crashing down like heavy rain
my lungs are filling
my nerves are frayed
my love is damning

and my hearts decayed.

01 . 11 . 24 " reborn "

" what have i done to deserve punishment,
what was so heinous that i’ve been
shunned from my world? "

i, your angel, defamed your grace.
i’ve brought shame to my god,
to my heaven.

it was my greed.
i held myself to a status of which i didn’t belong,
to be equal to that of a god.
greed is hidden in all the things
that i’ve done to stay in your sight.

is that why i’m being punished?

greedy in the way i cant share, not even a little.
it’s gluttonous the way i devour every interaction and every word like it’s my dying meal.
like i’ve been thirsted, i cling to you.
you keep your foot on my throat as you drink the wine
that resembles your blood.
i drink the droplets that spilled from your lips and landed onto mine.

it’s my punishment.
a series of karmatic events to ensure i’ve paid the price in full.
all the wrath i’ve shown, all the greed and gluttony,
all my sins on display for you to decide my fate.

so what is my fate then?

my god, my world, my light and guidance,
tell me what lies ahead for me.
what eternity do i rest in?

i say,
" my god, i am sorry for my sins with all my heart.
in choosing to do wrong and failing to do what is good,
i have sinned against you whom
i should love above all things,
i firmly intend, with your help, to do penance,
to sin no more,
and to avoid whatever leads me to sin. ”

you take my legs, symbolic of where i stood.
i cant run from redemption.

" your place is below your god,
you are a servant, "

you take my wings,
and i am immobilized.

" without wings,
you can no longer carry my message. "

you take my halo,
i am no longer your angel.

" an angel who betrays their god,
is no angel at all,
but a devil in disguise. "

lastly, with holy hands and pure intent,
you take my heart.
for a sinner to my degree, can no longer love,
for my heart was impure.
it was tainted with greed, gluttony, wrath, and sin.

my god,
with grace you have saved a traitor of faith.
you have shown me consequence.
you have stripped me of my sins

and reborn i was.

01 . 12 . 24 " beneath "

it’s bittersweet how you talk to me,
i crave it despite the constant ache in my teeth.

when you say me, i know you mean them,
the thought alone makes my stomach weak.

but i keep my head down.
i don’t utter a word.

i know my place and it’s beneath your feet.
i’ll bite my tongue and let it bleed.

i know my manners and i know them well.
i try my best to show and tell,
one hard push and i fall in place,
apologize,

and bow down with grace.

01 . 13 . 24 " tachycardia "

my heart is always empty and dull,
i rarely feel the beats get louder, stronger
but with you i come to life

my blood rushes so fast i get dizzy,
”lovesick” , i lose my reason ...
desire, lust, longing,
love

my heart is beating so fast, what do i do?
is this normal? should i be scared?
my heart almost beats too fast …

no, it is too fast

too much, too fast,
i can barely breathe, my chest tightens
my ribs swell, my heart beats

and it won’t stop

im alive, but only for you
my heart beats, but only for you
im alive,
but you’re the only who can prove it

01 . 13 . 24 " penance "

how many times should i cut my skin?
how many times should i bruise my body?
i beg you cant hear my thoughts

how many times will my fears betray my faith?
how many times until that sin goes away?
i beg you cant smell my fears

how many times til my fears go away?
how many times til my emotions are gone?
i beg you cant feel my pain

how many times til i’ve sinned beyond penance?
how many times until i’m damned to hell?
i beg you can’t see my tears

how many times will you look past my sins?
how many times can you forgive?
i beg you cant taste the blame

i disgust myself,
no longer a useful pawn, no longer a vessel
worthless again, and a newborn devil

01 . 13 . 24 " solitude "

im sorry for feeling so much
i must be scaring you away ..
i try so much to snuff myself
but ive only ever failed,

thought i could be important,
i know now i was blind with greed,
i hope someday you can forgive

a lonely sinner like me

01 . 13 . 24 " useless-useful "

i’m scared of losing you
for the hundredth time,
of not being yours,
and you not being mine

i wish i wasn’t so scared
of disappointing you,

like i always seem to do

i’ll never be enough and
i know that well,
but still i can’t imagine accepting that
even when it’s you who tells—

even when you say that’s not it,
it’s not that i’m not enough—
i know you’re just sugar coating
and this affection is just a bluff

so break me and use me
in any way you can,
make me useful,
make me better than i am

01 . 15 . 24 " midnight "

my midnight sun
so deep and bright

so hatefully lovely
so soaked with light

will you light up my sky
and shade my room
where i sit alone and cry
while i stare at the moon

will you wipe my tears
with the wind from your sighs
will you chase away my fears
will you clear up any lies

my midnight sun
so deep and bright

so hatefully lovely
so sweet in the night

01 . 16 . 24 " framed "

i keep every verse burned into my mind
i treat your words like scripture,
no amount of silence or time
could push my faith out the picture.

i call you my god,
destroy me just because you can
i love you like a god,
even when you hurt me like a man.

i keep your face in my frame
and kiss you before bed each night,
i wait for your call of my name

i wait for my divine, for my light.

01 . 17 . 24 " relig-ish "

i’ve never been religious,

though i’ve tried many times
bible school didn’t work
neither did praying the pain away
i could never believe truly,

i couldn’t recite verses
or remember to pray each night
i couldn’t find faith in a god who
was never present, never cared
who never saved me,

yet now, i catch myself praying
singing praises and chants,
repenting and confessing
all in the name you

despite it all i fear my sins
i can feel holy eyes watching
my every move, mistake, milestone
i still clasp my hands
scrambling to speak with respect

to do something right

fear can lead to loss of faith
or faith could stem from fear

the threat of eternal misery
is hard to strike fear when

you’ve been miserable
since birth

but still, i pray

i want to be forgiven
i need to be reborn
i feel faith in you

you’ve eased my fears,
praises wiped my tears

i follow you,
i worship you

i’ve never been religious,
but for you i’ll start

01 . 20 . 24 " needy "

needy needi,
filthy and greedy,

lose that weight
and make it speedy,

needy needi..?
didn’t you hear me?
don't you want me
to find you pretty?

needy needi,
stupid bitch,
useless lips that
need a stitch

needy needi,
my ears are bleeding,
shut the fuck up and
you’ll be more endearing

needy needi,
you’re not worth that much
get back on your knees,
and stay out of touch

needy needi,
i want you to fear me
don’t be naive,
it’s your fault, really.

now can you feel me?

needy needi,
i’ve gotten bored,
you’re all used up
like a greedy whore

needy needi,
i don’t want you that much
cant you take a hint?
do i need to say such and such?

needy needi,
i’m leaving tonight,
don’t worry your pretty face,
don’t put up a fight.

needy needi,
don’t move, sweetie
betray me, shut your eyes,
i know that you’re sleepy..

needy needi,
you’re all on your own..
sweet little angel,

you really should have known.

01 . 21 . 24 " feeding "

i need you like water,
i need you like air,
i need to be picked apart
and stared at while bare

i need to touch you,
to hold you close,
i need to feed you
when
i you need it the most

i need to be needy,
clingy and greedy,
i need you to need me
to need you to need me

needy needi,
sweet and creepy
little angel,
always weepy

cut me with your silence
and lick the blood
with the praises on your tongue
while you taste my love

savory? sweet?
is it everything you need?

will it make your heart beat?

wrap my wounds in your touch
from oceans away,
so you can bleed me in the night
and tell me it’ll all be okay

naive little angel,
or a blood bag for you?
a body of devotion
with certainty that’s true

my blood is still beading,
my cuts are still bleeding
and still, i’m so needy

what should we do?

01 . 22 . 24 " lovver "

i’ll play with your hair
lull you on your side
i’ll never turn you away
i’ll hold you through every high

i love you, and i’ll do that
through anything, will you let me?

i don’t want you to be afraid,
but i’ll love you even if you are
high, drunk, sober,
even if you are scarred
manic or depressed, lovely boy,
you still deserve the best

i might not be that,
but for you i always try
i’d rather you
die cry by me
than with some other guy

is it him or is it me?
something i won’t ask,
i’ll love you even when
you live life wearing a mask

your sickness might be a disease,
but i’m already sick for you

we can paint an ugly picture
or anything you want to do
every day i get more deep

i feel my mind getting sicker
i’ll love you forever and the
ugly pictures we drew
my heart beats are getting quicker
feel my chest and know

it’s all for you

01 . 25 . 24 " lolita "

this isnt a poem,

will you tell me i’m doing bad?
i feel so bad , how do i confess?
i’m scared and ashamed of what
you’ll see when you look at me

why am i letting 21 year old men
control me again?
i’m being treated like a toy by
people other than you and
it makes me want to throw up

will you control me instead?
i’m asking too much,
but i cant stop, im meant to be used

if im defiled, will i disgust you?
i can feel myself being stripped away
from you, steered by sin,

please don’t let me,
or smite me down
and damn me to hell
until i’m nothing left

this isnt a poem,
im just scared

01 . 27 . 24 " martyr "

do i drift towards the martyr?

self destruct, then punish myself for
making a mess, each crack in my heart
leaves bigger holes.

i sink in floods of shame.

am i even worthy of serving you?
do you look at me with
the same disgust i show myself?

my faith wavers
under the fear of
becoming a sinner,

unholy and damned.

see no evil,
i cant look in the mirror.
hear no evil,
the music never stops.
speak no evil,
i push everyone around away.

i can feel the hellfire
from my place on your earth.
it burns, just as bad as the guilt.
the shame weighs me down to
a floor of brimstone.

will you pull me back up?
even if its just to your feet?

01 . 28 . 24 " muse "

my muse, my muse
i use my admiration as an excuse
to use and abuse the love
that i "lose"

it’s not really gone,
but all the same plays a pawn
as i fawn the hatred i cant seem to feel
for our hearts are eternally drawn

my muse,
i treat you with respect
that i choose to acknowledge or reject
depending on my mood,

oh i’m so, so sorry
my lovely muse, my muse

please forgive me,
i was scared and flustered
i didn’t mean to bruise
the trust we mustered
and if our trust we decide to fuse
my choice will forever and always

be you, my muse

01 . 29 . 24 " really, "

every word leaves me more torn than the last, understanding each line more every day. i care so much it’s consuming, i fear the truth of what you say, what you might do.

when will i wake up without a sun in the sky? without a moon to keep me company during my bad dreams? will i wake up tomorrow and never see the beauty in your words again?

if everything is you,
will tomorrow be the day i lose everything?

of course i care, do you really believe i don’t? my love, my moonshine, my sunlight, my muse
please see the truth in what i say the same way i see the truth in what you do.

i hope someday we’ll write these same words together, and be able to trace the lines of each other and know there’s security and certainty right where we are.

01 . 30 . 24 " wine "

confess it all, my god;
forgiving ears wait and listen.
let your guilt pour like liquor,
fill a glass with words that sting,
words that are bitter, slurred,
desperate but true.

my divine god, my man,
don’t be scared of what you may,
of what you have,

confess again, again,
and again.

glass after glass, i drink guilt like wine.
i savor the taste; i roll it on my tongue.
i’ll drink glass after glass, again and again,
until you weep yourself dry, or flood again.
until you come down, even if you rise back up.
until you have nothing left to pour.

watch me swallow your guilt,
watch me savor it, taste, and dissect it.
watch me sample every flavor.
watch me while i lick my lips,

another glass gone.

confess it all to me, my god.
empty bottles and glazed eyes.
i don’t sway, sweat, or spew.
i just stay and listen.
despite what you feel,

you’ve been forgiven.

01 . 31 . 24 " ... "

[ deleted ]

02 . 04 . 24 " faulty "

i know im not the one
i just want to be the one

i want to be enough
was i ever really enough?

will i ever be enough?

it’s my fault for being jealous,
and for being in love,
for not being enough or what you want

it’s my fault, im sorry
please forgive
please don’t leave me
please love me?

please?

please don’t hate me
i’ll shove it down if that’s what you want
i’ll never say the words again
i’ll lock up that part of me,
please just see me, want me
need me.

im sorry for feeling this way
im sorry im not them
im sorry im not enough
im sorry im not the one.

02 . 04 . 24 " hidden "

i know my fate, yet i fight it
i know what i am, yet i deny it
i know why that is, yet i hide it

dont look, dont know,
just please dont let me go.

02 . 06 . 24 " guidance "

how did you get so blind?
not by light, nor by love,
but blinded with darkness
…even so high above.

you’re deaf to my prayers.
you cant hear me scream.
you cant hear me begging,
or see my tears stream.

but as i guide you to the light,
i’ll continue my chants of praise.
i’ll hold your hands tight
and lead us through the haze.
i won’t stop, nor will i mumble.
i won’t let go, even if you stumble,
even if when you’re looking back
it’s with nothing but an empty gaze.

im your servant, your angel,
im the shoulder you lean on.
and as we keep on,
escorting you back to your throne,
as me and you, as us,
you’re no longer alone.

i think our heaven
is a place i can call home.

02 . 09 . 24 " lucid "

my eyes are open but fast asleep.
each day and night, i look too deep.
my brain is numb and my skin is buzzing.
my eyelids are heavy but completely unbudging.
if i could, i’d stand up on my own two feet,
i’d grow wings, and then soon we’d meet.
if im lucid, and this is all just a dream,
i can without fear say that you’re everything to me.

02 . 09 . 24 " gaps "

can we close the gaps?

i bring you to me through colors painting my body, letters i leave out on display, and pictures i cherish and adore. and though the distance never changes, i feel closer than before. i pretend the colored spikes screwing together is the distance between us fading. i pretend the paint on my nails is your hands on my skin.

becoming one again.

i keep reminders and symbolism of you all over my body. i wear it as a stamp of ownership, and affection.

do you mind?

02 . 26 . 24 " shameful "

i try, but can’t confide,
i feel disgust for every thought.
i want to confess all my sin,
but i know my pain shan’t be taught.
i swear it’s not your fault,
and no, my god, we haven’t fought.
i fear you see my faith as wavering,
but my god, my faith is all i’ve got.
please show me how to repent,
as your guidance is all i’ve sought.
through this i try again to confess,
i swear my god, i wrought.

can i be forgiven?
is it possible for me to be saved?
my god, you're all i need,
my life is a road you've paved.

03 . 06 . 24 " complacent "

conditioned to comply,
never seen eye to eye
always lower, always less
always trying to be the best
do you not need me?
or is this just a test?

tell me, my god,
is my worship above the rest?

03 . 19 . 24 " lusting "

do you ever think about how my skin
will feel under your hands ?
between your teeth , on your tongue ,
on more than we planned ?

do you think of my face between your thighs ,
begging to keep you pleased ? or what i'll look like
looking up from down on my knees ?

do you think of what pretty little sounds
i might make when i’m teased ?

do you feel that numbing heat
pooling under your skin ?
the need to be touched , to be kissed .
punched , snuffed , to sin ...
or is it the need to burn me instead ?

my god , hear the prayers of this dirty little angel
..
won’t you let me into your filthy head ?

03 . 19 . 24 " split "

splitting black & white,
the strain is pulling hard on my heart
& pushing out my only light.

my progress might not be far,
but for you i’ll try to fight.
every insecurity, every fear,
every impurity & false sight.

give me another chance,
& i'll show you all the ways
i can be what’s right.

04 . 09 . 24 " guide "

i get so scared of scaring you off
you're my life, why would i want to lose you?
all the parts of me that haven’t been
guided by you, betray me, they betray you

i pray you erase everything until all that’s left of me is an angel to wait at your feet

in the best way possible, i just want to surrender completely and be taken under your wing ….. isn’t that selfish of an angel to ask?

what if my tongue is made of silver & i’ve just hid it behind thick layers of sin that even a god couldn’t see past at first glance? what's the rightful punishment for that?

i need to be corrected, guided, molded & completely rearranged. i need to be nothing but a living branding of your creation & efforts.

i want to be devoted, i want to make you proud,
my god, what does that entail?

i should know, but to trust someone as easy as me to be able to think for herself in this situation, is it it sinful to say it’s unrealistic?

i need to be nothing before i can become something,
i need to be remade & reborn.
i need raspy slurs to tell me where i belong,
when, why, how …

i need the guidance of a god who knows all too well where my potential lies. think of anything, could that be me? if we both tried, couldn’t i be anything you need?

an angel who couldn’t submit to the desires of her god, that’s no angel at all.

i want to be yours, pure, untouched, completely refined & secure. and though i already belong to you, i feel like i’m lacking. what about me could be better? don’t you know, my god? don’t you need that perfection from me as well?

this is not a poem,
it's my need & selfishness surfacing.
am i even an angel?

04 . 10 . 24 " void "

why does this hole keep growing bigger ?
why do all my fillings fall out?
what happened, what was the trigger?
why am i hollowed by doubt?

lately im ashamed of my love,
pathetic, desperate, and never enough.
why do i feel like something to shove,
why do all my efforts always besnuff?

too many eyes judge my vulnerability,
every letter seen as filthy, forced,
or completely overlooked.
why is pouring my heart out mutability?
why? why am i so remorsed?
it’s insecurity, and im miserably hooked.

i write this with no pride,
no outlet, no relief, no point.
im full of tears but my eyes have dried.
no outlet, no relief, no point.
will i only ever be something to hide?
will there ever be an outlet?
will there ever be relief?
will there ever be anything to me,
to you, to us, to everyone,
was there ever a point?

i write this for myself,
though i write everything for you;
but i still feel the disgust in everything,
no matter what i do.
not just your eyes, not just mine, i cant say it,
but cant you feel them too?

if i just give up,
would that finally be enough?
for it all, for everyone,

for you?

10 . 01 . 24 " rewind "

please don’t say it.

i look in the mirror and rewind,
i replay it.

those words, looped in my mind,

i know you hate it.

is that me in the mirror?
is that who you see?
is everything clearer?

is this who im meant to be?

erase it.

01 . 23 . 25 " outlet "

its been a while
since i wrote,

did you miss me?

i need an outlet,
i tend to dote

its a love plea.

things are more stable,
and were okay

finally unhidden,
finally free.

and somehow you knew
that it would end this way

that together,
we'd always be.

( i love you )

01 . 23 . 25 " endorphin "

the prickle on my skin,
the gloss in my eyes.

emotional, my head spins, never rational or wise.

this part of me always wins,
this side that i despise.

this side that you amin, and you said so with no lies.

you are my endorphin, and for you i'll always try.

01 . 29 . 25 " down-under "

im drowning in guilt.
in self hate, self sabotage,

in a mess of myself.

now youre drowning too.
i pulled you in,
didnt i ?

im selfish, i cant stand being alone.
i dont want to sink all by myself,
so i drag you under as a last resort.

its painful, violent, heavy, and consuming.
it fills your mouth, nose, and lungs.
its suffocating, its too much.

( so am i )

02 . 02 . 25 " again "

i really didnt want to be alone
not tonight, not again

not ever, but if not now,
not tonight,
then when ?

i know its silly, because with me,
right here, youve always been

but tonight seems different
it seems lonely, lonely again

confessional " hey angel "

confess˚


lost in ur delusion ,
u dont know who i am

Edit
Pub: 31 Jan 2025 06:20 UTC
Edit: 02 Feb 2025 17:56 UTC
Views: 720